How to teach a Dwarf to swim and other things
by Enelya
Summary: Legolas and Aragorn decide it's time for the hobbits and Gimli to learn to swim. Chaos ensures. Includes just about every semimain character in LOTR, plus uncalculated madness and the horrors of Disney songs. Try it. You'll love it.
1. A Conspiracy Unmasked

Disclaimer: I seriously doubt that I own anything in this fanfic, except possibly the plot which is probably made up from other fanfics I've read. I do not own: anything Tolkien-related, the Flintstones, dippy birds, Mr. Whippy, Free Willy, any songs that are mentioned, etc, etc…

You really don't want to know how I thought of this. Well, I'll give you a few details. How about no computer, a hyper caused by coke, a really long holiday, the LOTR obsession from hell, and jetlag?

A/N: this fanfic was written and includes many ideas of Son-of-Durotan. I might be grateful to him when I'm in a good mood.

Another A/N: in this little fanfic of mine, the Fellowship are all living together in relative harmony, in a house with at least 3 bedrooms, with a computer, without being mobbed by fangirls or any other spawn-of-satan creatures, and without being constantly monitored by the police (don't ask me if that's possible.) I think I've also included just about every semi-main character in all three movies, so if you just want a Fellowship fanfic, look elsewhere.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

At last, it comes. Enelya, Son-of-Durotan and their respective alter egos are proud to present to you:

How To Teach A Dwarf To Swim… And Other Things

30ºC in Britain. Quite warmish by a lot of people's standards, including the Fellowship's. It was a bright, sunny morning, quite warm as I said before, and Legolas Greenleaf felt the need to get out of the house, since he and Aragorn had spent the last day recovering from a particularly bad episode of 'The Bold and the Beautiful'. Preferably something that involved the rest of the Fellowship, since he hadn't spoken to Sam in person for about a week. (Note: Legolas is in a very generous mood at this point. If you don't like it, don't worry, it's not gonna last much longer.)

"Aragorn?"

"Mhnf."

"We need to do something."

"Mhnf."

"Soon."

"Mhnf."

"As in today."

"Mhnf."

"Aragorn."

"Mhnf."

"I've sold Anduril to an history museum in London."

"You did WHAT?" The ranger in question fell off the windowsill and out of the window, to land on the mattress rigged especially for such circumstances. After getting off said mattress, he knocked on the door to be let back in again (i.e. hammering on the door and doing more damage than a battering ram), while addressing Legolas thus:

"YOU LYING, DIRTY, CHEATING, PERVERTED TRAITOR! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! HOW DARE YOU SELL MY SWORD! AS SOON AS I'VE KNOCKED THIS DOOR DOWN I'M GONNA STRANGLE YOU!" This was followed by various swearing in what seemed like every language that existed at that time (including Welsh). Although he couldn't understand much of the Welsh, Legolas was actually quite impressed at how many languages Aragorn knew. He would have let him carry on for quite a bit, but then he remembered that this is a PG-13 fanfic and … hang on a minute, scratch that. Anyway, since he wanted to be in possession of a head this time next week he decided to try and calm Ranger of the North down, who was now crying noisily in the middle of the lawn. 

"Aragorn."

"Piss off. I'm not talking to you."

"I was joking about Anduril."

"So where is Andy?"

"In your sword belt which you've been wearing for the past month. And if it's not there, it'll be on your bed with a little pillow and a hot-water-bottle because you think it's sick."

"Oh. Yes. Of course." There was a slight pause as Aragorn digested the fact that he'd shouted at Legolas just about every insult in every language known to mankind at that point in time.

"Omigod Legolas, I am soooooooooo sorry, I didn't mean to swear that much honest to god …"

"Aragorn—"

"And I swear I'll never do it again, not even if you actually do sell Andy to a museum in London, cross my heart and hope to die, and if I do it again I will go to hell where the coffee's always cold and where Mariah Carey songs are always playing …"

"Aragorn—"

"And where I have to share a room with Elrond and Celeborn and where Crebain from Dunland will pick out my eyes and where orcs will take Andy away and be nasty to him and where Frodo will never love me and…"

"ARAGORN! ESTEL! STRIDER! WINGFOOT! DUNEDAIN! ELESSAR! Whatever you want to be called, shut the hell up!"

"VerysorryLegolas."

"I just wanted to get your attention."

"You could have just said that Celeborn's moving in with us."

"I will never be _that_ suicidal. Anyway, I think we should do something as a Fellowship."

Aragorn's eyes lit up. "Fencing!"

"Something that normal people do."

Aragorn's eyes lit up. "Jewelry making!"

"I don't think Frodo's up to that."

"Well I'm out of ideas."

"Hmn. What about we go to the pool?"

Aragorn looked terrified. "The—The pool? But that's got water in it! And you know what Frodo and Sam and Merry and Pippin and Gimli are like with water!"

"It's time they started acting like normal people. And that means going voluntarily into a section of 

water deeper than the bath at least once a year. You'd think they'd only finished the quest yesterday the way they behave sometimes."

"So how are we gonna get them to go?"

"I don't know, tell them that we're going to Atlantis or something."

"As in Lost City of? But it's underwater, isn't it?"

"Yes, but they don't know that."

"Wasn't Frodo a priest in ancient Greece? But I guess he could have forgotten."

"The same way that Gimli 'forgot' that he was one of Henry VIII's advisers and then we went to the Rennaissance museum? I seriously doubt it."

"So what can we say that'll make them want to go to the pool?"

"I have a cunning plan." Legolas also had a very evil look on his face.

More coming soon! But you have to review! Now!


	2. The Horrors of a Public Swimming Pool

To the seven wonderful people who have reviewed: thankyou! I have never got so many reviews at one time in my life! Tells ya what sort of life I've got. I don't get many reviews. Anyways, in answer to your comments:  
  
Little-lost-one: I'm adding more, see!  
  
Erendis: I guess you're right about mentioning the fanfic. (Note: I don't take criticism very well even if it's constructive so apologies in advance if I do or say anything horrible. Comes from being a Scorpio I guess.)  
  
Captain-Emily: I thought the jewelry making thing was clever too. Sorry, I don't think there's going to be any more about Henry VIII. However! I have plans for Gimli and karaoke. Don't give up on me yet.  
  
Harlequin: I'm writing more! Now!  
  
Devin-Jamie: what the? I think you've got the wrong fanfic. Thanks for the review anyway.  
  
Begora John: Welsh is horrible isn't it? I got back from Europe about a week ago and saw the welsh in Wales and thought: .well, I didn't really think. But it was still vvvvvvv confusing.  
  
The Nameless One: I'm writing more! But would you please tell me your name? So then I can stop calling you the Nameless One and everyone's happy.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"YOU'RE JOKING!" The four hobbits and Gimli were seated around the kitchen table, staring open-mouthed at Legolas and Aragorn, who were both, very impressively, managing to keep a straight face.  
  
"We are not joking. We have been informed by a very reliable source that Sarah Michelle Gellar will be at the pool today, in a bikini, doing a demonstration on mining." Legolas didn't say that the 'very reliable source' was actually the local gossip magazine.  
  
"But there's no mine at the pool." Gimli was looking suspicious.  
  
"They filled it in especially for today. She's giving out signed photos. This is a one in a million opportunity. If we get to the pool and she's not there then you can hate us for the rest of your lives and we'll go home via the kebab shop. Come on, we have to get there early to get a good space!"  
  
The hobbits and Gimli rushed out the front door and into the car, with cries of "Come on, we're gonna miss her!" and other things. Stage One of Operation Atlantis was successful. Having secured them in the car, Aragorn cautiously walked down the hall and entered the Dark Pit, The Black Hole of Indian Takeaway, the Chamber of Dirty Socks. Also known as Gandalf's bedroom.  
  
"Gandalf, we're going to the pool. You wanna come?"  
  
"Dippy birds!"  
  
"What?"  
  
Gandalf pointed excitedly at the computer screen, which showed lots of brightly coloured adds for casinos and weight-loss programs, as well as an article about how wonderful dippy birds were and how to sell them. (A/N if you don't know what dippy birds are, your life is devoid of a wonderful source of happiness. I can't really explain what they are, but I'll try to do a drawing at the end of the fanfic.)  
  
"I'm going to sell dippy birds and become a millionaire!"  
  
Legolas poked his head around the door and saw the computer screen. "Oh. My. God. You haven't."  
  
"I have. Ten thousand dippy birds are being flown across the Atlantic Ocean as we speak."  
  
"Gandalf, do you remember what happened last time? You ordered five thousand packets of paper maché rings and we've still got at least two thousand stowed in the loft. Frodo only stopped having psychiatric fits last year. The only reason we don't have all of them still is because you worked out that they're good as gum and gave out free samples to the high school down the road. And where the hell are you gonna get the money for all these?"  
  
"I have my sources. Stop worrying. You'll be worse than Elrond soon, the way you're going."  
  
"Take that back. Now."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The car journey was rather quiet, since Legolas was busy convincing himself that he wasn't turning into Elrond, Aragorn was concentrating on driving, and both of them were preparing themselves for the next stage of Operation Atlantis. The hobbits and Gimli were relatively quiet too, gibbering at a minimum volume out of consideration for the others.  
  
Finding a park in the swimming pool parking lot could have been counted as a quest all by itself. By the time they found a place to park, Legolas' generous mood had completely disintegrated and the only reason he hadn't gone insane was the thought of putting the hobbits and Gimli through the torture of a swimming lesson.  
  
But of course, they had to get in to the actual pool.  
  
"Need food," Merry and Pippin announced suddenly.  
  
Legolas stared at them in disbelief. "You only had breakfast an hour ago!"  
  
"And anyway, you're not supposed to eat right before you-" Aragorn was cut off by a swift kick in the shins and the use of the Death Glare by Legolas and shut up. Luckily the others hadn't noticed, as they seemed to be too busy talking about Sarah Michelle Gellar.  
  
"Drink machines!" Not even the thought of SMG in a bikini within 500m of them could take Merry's or Pippin's mind off food. Uh-uh. No way.  
  
The rest of the group exchanged exasperated looks: after all, they'd had to put up with Merry and Pippin doing things like this before, since they were all effectively immortal as a reward for saving Middle-earth, except for Legolas because he was immortal anyway. And after about 5000 years of knowing the rest of the Fellowship he knew it was definitely a punishment cos the Valar were mad at him for something he'd done on the quest. Maybe he shouldn't have had that orc killing contest with Gimli. After all, the Lord says love thy neighbour.  
  
The pool cashier looked at them curiously. It wasn't every day that a group consisting of a midget, two children with a foot hair problem, what looked like a large, muscly dog and a blond spunk turned up to go to the pool. Legolas had suddenly remembered why he didn't go to public places that often. The sight of someone trying to chat you up while selling plastic floaties and goggles and being half intoxicated by chlorine fumes can be a strange and rather unnerving sight.  
  
Two adults, two children and a concession pass later (Legolas had panicked when asked about Gimli, and had decided to go for the politically correct route, since he did look sort of old in human terms) they were inside The Swimming Pool Centre.  
  
Frodo, Sam and Gimli were took one look at the pool. No SMG. No mines. No celebrities of any sort. The penny dropped.  
  
"Hey! There's no SMG here! Where is she?"  
  
"Where's the mine?"  
  
"Where's Merry and Pippin?"  
  
"Calm down you three and hurry up, you're going to be late for your swimming lesson."  
  
"Swimming lesson? SWIMMING?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Frodo shrieked. Before they had a chance to explain he was about 6m up the tallest thing he could see, which happened to be one of those lifesaver deckchairs that is totally inappropriate in a pool. Aragorn was getting nervous: psychotic Frodo was something he definitely hadn't planned on when he agreed to help Legolas. Legolas however had an expression of evil, cunning, and revenge on his face, and was also grinning crazily. Aragorn made a mental note to never, ever help any elf with a cunning plan without finding out exactly what they planned to do first.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaa, precious! They're going to take you away, precious, and make me going swimming precious!" Frodo made a mental note to say "I told you so" to the other three hobbits because getting jobs as actors for Shakespeare was actually paying off and he'd been the one who'd thought of it in the first place. Unfortunately, he hadn't counted on the complete impossibility of trying to fool an elf.  
  
"For goodness' sake Frodo, get down from there, you might hurt yourself and if it gets knocked over you might fall into the pool."  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, precious.?" Frodo sounded a lot less unsure, and now that Legolas had mentioned it there was quite a large possibility that someone could accidentally knock over the chair. Maybe he should get down.  
  
"You're making a scene and you're not fooling anyone with the 'precious' talk. Get down here. Look," Legolas' voice suddenly turned very icy, "You can get into the pool the easy way or the hard way, which involves me 'accidentally' tripping over this chair and sending you flying straight into the middle of the pool where it will take the lifeguards at least ten minutes to notice you and another ten to get you out of there. Do you understand?" To prove a point he moved closer to the chair and stuck his foot out towards it.  
  
Frodo got the message. He cautiously stuck one leg out onto the ladder rung but since hobbits have never had much experience with ladders, he slipped, grabbed onto the sides with both hands and proceeded to descend a lot faster than he'd intended too. And promptly landed on Gimli.  
  
"Och hobbits, yeh don' go bungee jumpin' in a pool!" Gimli exclaimed angrily after Sam had dragged Frodo off him.  
  
"Hey, I didn't mean to fall it's just that SOMEBODY-" Frodo shot a very nasty glance at Legolas "caused me to run up that stupid ladder that's very impractically positioned and that's WAY too tall and." Frodo trailed off when he realised that nobody was listening.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
More coming! Have to write it, but more coming! I'm including lots of other secondary characters, so watch out for: Arwen, Eowyn, Faramir, Galadriel, assorted others. The Disney songs are coming too.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
This is just an author's note between chapters. Feel free to go straight to chapter 3 if you want. However if you've reviewed on the 10 or 11 of may you'll be mentioned here. I was going to leave notes for everyone at the start of the next chapter, but there's just too many! 20 new reviews! Double figures! I'm ecstatic.  
  
Anyways, to all these people: THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU! You've reviewed! Most of you like it! That's great. I have very good (or bad depending on whether you're in the Fellowship or not) ideas to use in this fanfic. Here are my answers (from the last time I updated):  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Katrina: mmmmm, Legolas, mmmm coffee....put two of the 21st century's best things together and you have total bliss. Glad you like it. But who exactly is Hillary Duff?  
  
Little-lost-one: you reviewed! Again! Thanks.  
  
Otterfudge: I'm happy that you think my style of writing is clever. I want to be a writer when I grow up. And how can you have missed Gimli's accent? It was all through LOTR and TTT! You don't know dippy birds? Maybe you call them drinky birds. I'll try and do a little drawing later.  
  
Dark_Hikari: I'm writing more, soon! But what's rotflmao? Is it code for something? Please tell me!  
  
Coreinha: Bad things happen when you get bored? Better not let you get bored then. There's more chapters coming your way.  
  
Bant: More, more, coming soon, soon! And Aragorn's reaction to water? Just you wait, I've got something good for him.  
  
Elentari: I'm sorry about the welsh! I'm just an ignorant Australian! Please don't sue. I'll even include a bit of Haldir in one of the chapters to keep you happy. But still happy that you like it.  
  
Caz-baz: Yeah, I get the picture. And that was Blackadder. But I'm not English, surprise, surprise, just Australian. Read my bio for more information. Thankyou for reviewing both chapters. But how exactly can a rabbit eat your mouse? I mean, I've heard of cats eating mice but a rabbit.....?  
  
Aimie hopeful writer: I'll try and read your story if I have time. Thanks for reviewing. I want to be a writer as well. Small world.  
  
U honestly don't need to knowe: what mess ups? Tell me! Tell me! Thankyou for taking the time to review.  
  
Katie: I'm updating! I'm writing more about the hobbits! If you like hobbits you could check out another one of my stories, it's called A Longexpected Parody and it's um....... a longexpected parody. Anyway its got hobbits in it so you'll like it.  
  
i_luv_elfie_bois: well your name says it all doesn't it? You love it? Cool.  
  
Shieldmaiden: Love it that you love it! And Gimli's had a Scottish accent since FOTR! But maybe you're not as obsessed as me (this is a good thing).  
  
Andraste Emeraldpetal: I'm writing more!  
  
MIsUnDeRsToOdGnOmE: I was hoping that it would be lol. Thanks!  
  
DdraigCoch: I'm not sure about Legolas getting them into arm bands. However, there will be female lifeguards. Arwen and Eowyn, to be exact.  
  
Spike's Lil Black Vamp: well I don't mind cos its not meant to be taken seriously. You'd like A Longexpected Parody, one of my other stories. Check it out.  
  
Hex Of The Unseelie: More coming!  
  
Harlequin: You reviewed! Again! And you feel special. And now I feel special cos you reviewed again. Everyone's happy. I got around both problems. The next chapter shall tell all.  
  
Zoya: Glad that you think its lol. I'm writing more, fast!  
  
Emma: I'm writing more!  
  
i_luv_elfie_bois: yes, the movies would have been interesting if they were like this. Not sure if Tolkien would be too pleased. But he's dead. Anyway even though the movie wasn't like that you've still got the fanfic.  
  
little-lost-one: I'll try to put Glorfindel in the fanfic. He can make a guest appearance with Haldir.  
  
Kestrel: I'd put your whole name but it's a bit long. Sorry that I made you go into spaz attacks. I'm writing more.  
  
Viper: You put it on your favourite stories list! Yay! I'm honoured. Plus you can find me again, which is good. I'll try to make the next chapter longer.  
  
Hex Of The Unseelie: Yes, Legolas in board shorts.....mmmmm. I'm obsessed. Love him! Love him!  
  
PhishyKiss: your sisters would have to be seriously weird if they're like the hobbits at the pool. But they're cute at that age, aren't they? Then of course they have to grow up and it's back to being annoying. Oh well. Too bad.  
  
Nebride: THREE times? I think that's a new record for me. It's great when you read a fanfic and it's so funny you're in hysterics isn't it? I haven't found many good LOTR ones though. Can you recommend any?  
  
Bulma Greenleaf: You like it? Good! You tell your friends who tell their friends who tell their friends who tell their....yeah. You get it. I hope it meets their standards.  
  
Spike's Lil Black Vamp: Yes I'm back in business! Going worldwide! So keep watching, there's more enelya coming your way!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sorry to disappoint any of you who thought it was another chapter and got all excited. But there's another one coming! I just have to make it longer cos lots of people asked for that. I'll get it up as soon as I can.  
  
:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:- D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D  
  
luv enelya 


	3. Of Daring Games and Metal Bathers

Thankyou to everyone who's reviewed! For full messages see my AN chapter. But now here's the next exciting chapter of How to teach a Dwarf to Swim…And other things. Enjoy!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In a quiet corner of the pool centre, the group sat down and the two conspirators pleaded their case.

"We've decided enough's enough. We want to go to a swimming pool without being accompanied by the entire lifeguard population of Europe in case one of us accidentally falls in. Since it's mainly you, Merry and Pippin we decided that you need to learn how to swim, which is actually quite fun if you haven't been brought up to think of swimming as in the category of things that includes trying to fight a dragon with a toothpick."

"Why haven't Merry and Pippin been dragged into this?" Gimli asked angrily. "In case you haven't noticed, they're still at the drink machines outside!"

Legolas sighed. "Merry doesn't have a problem with water, he gets in trouble for sexual harassment. Pippin…we'll work on Pippin later. And if you want to deny your sanity to all the world and risk your lives trying to get them away from the drink machines, be my guest."

Five minutes passed. Nobody showed any signs of wanting to go outside. Legolas looked smug. "I think we've got that settled now."

"I read somewhere that swimming makes you hungry, so we need food too," Frodo announced determinedly.

Aragorn, Legolas and several lifeguards that happened to be nearby gave him the "you're not fooling anyone you know that" look. Gimli cut in, "You and Sam made the journey from the Dead Marshes to Mount Doom and back on lembas and water, and that was while you had the enormous mental weight of the one ring on you. I think you can survive for at least 2 hours swimming."

"Hey!" said Frodo angrily. "Whose side are you on?"

"I might not like water, but at least I'm not scared of trying something!"

"Me'n Sam aren't scared! We're not, are we Sam?"

"I don't care if I'm scared, as long as I get to be with you Mr. Frodo!"

"Er…yes. My point is, just because we won't go more closer than—"

"About 3km to a large bit of water deeper than the bath without running and screaming like gits?"

"Shut up Aragorn. As I was saying, just because we won't go near water doesn't mean that we're scared of it."

"Well I think you're chicken!" Gimli stuck his tongue out at them.

The entire swimming pool went as quiet as the grave. Frodo turned around. "Nobody," he said slowly, "calls me chicken."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Well I DARE you to go swimming!"

"Well I DOUBLE-DOG-DARE you to come with me!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam.

"No, Sam, I'm going swimming with Gimli alone." Frodo suddenly considered this. "Wait a minute, I've changed my mind, just this once you CAN come with me."

"Hooray!"

Legolas was almost in shock. Frodo, Sam and Gimli voluntarily go swimming? He almost felt like his plan had backfired because his highly evil elven brain had pictured scenes of throwing all of them into the middle of the pool and laughing himself sick. But of course, whether they went voluntarily or not, a swimming lesson was a swimming lesson.

Aragorn on the other hand felt this was the best thing that could have happened. He hadn't really wanted to forcefully drag Frodo and Sam kicking and screaming to their swimming lesson, since he had learned from past experience that hobbits had sharp teeth. He smiled to himself. This might actually be fun.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Frodo? Sam? Legolas? Where are you?" Aragorn poked his head cautiously around a rack of goggles. The Slightly-Decreased Fellowship had gone into the pool shop to by bathers, since Gimli and the hobbits hadn't owned any pieces of clothing used for swimming for the past three centuries.

"Aragorn!" Frodo and Sam appeared, both in possession of board shorts, and grabbed an arm each. 

"We're so glad we found you, we got lost and ended up in the girls' section and spent about 10 minutes walking around racks with bikinis on them!"

"That can't have been too bad."

"Oh yes it was. I got a bikini top stuck around my neck and then this mother with some kids came and saw me and asked me what I was doing, and I muttered something and we ran like hell."

Aragorn tried very, very hard not to laugh. Unfortunately the mother was in the next row, and he heard very clearly "…and he had a bikini top around his _neck_! He could have been trying to strangle himself! The things boys do today…"

This was too much for Aragorn. He slumped to the floor in absolute hysterics. Frodo turned a brilliant shade of vermilion and muttered some words that he certainly wouldn't have known if he'd been how old the mother thought he was.

Aragorn recovered after about 15 minutes. They progressed on looking for Legolas and Gimli, and found them in the middle of an argument.

"I'm a dwarf, I wear metal!"

"You don't wear metal bathers! Nobody wears metal bathers!"

"Dwarves do!"

"Look, metal bathers are indecent. Do you want to be carted off to the mental asylum? There is no way in hell you'll be allowed in the pool with those on. Which means you can't do the dare. Which means you're chicken cos only a chicken resists a dare."

Gimli was looking very dangerous. Legolas was looking very dangerous. Dynamite and the match. Elves and Dwarves haven't changed a bit in 50 000 years. So much for the relative peace.

Things might have gone very badly after that if Frodo, after centuries of playing peacekeeper for Merry and Pippin, quickly came up with an idea. "Gimli, why don't you get a pair of board shorts and you can wear them over your metal bathers? That way you're happy and decent at the same time." Gimli considered this. "Och. Alright." Sam and Aragorn sighed with relief. Legolas kept his face as expressionless as possible. Inwardly Frodo sighed. Legolas and Gimli were usually the best of friends, but Elves and Dwarves would always be Elves and Dwarves.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This chapter's a bit short, sorry. And for those of you worried about Merry and Pippin, they don't feature much in the pool. But I have made other plans for them. (Hear thunder and lightning in the background). Me: Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! *is struck by lightning* Me: Owowowowowdamndamndamndamndamn.

Review again! Soon! Now! Please?


	4. Of Swimming Lessons and Evil Cliffhanger...

Lots of new reviews! Yay! Most of them good! Yay! Since a lot of people have asked for longer chapters, I think I've given you the longest fanfic chapter in recorded history. It's four pages long on my computer. If it's still too short for you I'm gonna lose it altogether. So don't say it's too short this time, please? Please?

I wrote little messages to you, so for those of you who haven't read my AN: read it! I spent a lot of time working on that AN. So you better read it. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The room was bleak and grim, dimly lit with neon lights. It reeked of chlorine and other irksome smells. What was more off-putting was that, scattered on benches, there lay bags with towels and clothes spilling out, most of them damp and from the looks of it, going mouldy. The gloomy atmosphere was topped off by the sound of dripping water coming from the showers.

Legolas shuddered. "Ewwwwwwwww, changing rooms."

"Yes, you'd think these people would have worked out by now that the public would be more willing to go to the pool if they had the facilities in slightly better conditions. It reeks in here." You know a room has earned the "Hell-on-earth" label when Aragorn thinks it's gross.

"Oh well, the quicker we get changed the quicker we can get out of here." Frodo was in a dangerously cheerful mood, which could be attributed to one of two things: either Gandalf had slipped happy pills into his morning decaf-skinny-latte-with-mocha-sprinkles again, or he was scared stiff and was determined not to show it. Come to think of it, it could have been both.

They all got changed with minimum fuss, although Gimli's board shorts looked slightly bulkier than they should have because he was, despite all of Legolas' protests, wearing his metal bathers under the normal ones. Oh and of course, as what happened before all encounters with the public, the hobbits, dwarf and elf had grabbed a limb each and carried Aragorn kicking and screaming protests into the shower, where he had been forcibly held down and sprayed with cold water to get rid of most of the dirt he'd acquired over the last century. As a result, anyone to use that shower next would encounter a pungent, browny-grey mud about 10cm deep that had an amazing property of being impossible to wash off without using some sort of car-cleaning liquid at the very least. And everybody knows what that sort of stuff does to your legs. Moisturising!

So anyways, the board shorts were on and they were almost ready to go. Except there was one small, tiny, minor, unnoticeable problem.

"Gimli, you have to leave your axe in the change rooms."

"Och, first m'bathers an' now me axe? What's ye problem with me?"

"We reached an agreement about the bathers. But if you bring your axe in and start waving it around people will think you're an escaped lunatic."

"That wouldn't be too far off the mark."

"What did you say about me Frodo?"

"Nothing, nothing!"

"Oh, is the liddle dwarfy-warfy scared to leave his axy-waxy behind in case the big nasty men get it?"

"Yeh going the right way to meetin' Mary Queen of Scots, ranger!"

"Oh goody! Do you think she's my type?"

"Aragorn, Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded at least 300 years ago. And I don't see what you're so happy about, you have to leave your sword behind as well."

Aragorn's face went a shade of off-white. "Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh………….what sword?"

"The one that you're wearing."

"I'm not wearing a sword."

"Then what's that in your pocket?" Gimli asked suspiciously.

"Oh, you wanna know about that?" asked Aragorn, attempting to be seductive. "Come up to my room tonight and I'll show you."

Frodo, Sam and Legolas understood exactly what he was talking about only a split second before their brains went onto automatic and concentrated on the least erotic image they could come up with (Elrond skipping through a field of daisies singing "I feel pretty".)

Gimli hadn't got the message. "Show me what?"

Legolas gathered his senses and said "You really don't want to know" very quickly before Aragorn launched into a full description. Aragorn looked slightly disappointed.

"Aragorn, you have been warned of pain of death or worse against attempting to be seductive. For this crime against humanity, you will most definitely have to leave your sword behind."

"What? No! Please, have mercy! Not Andy! If I leave him behind he'll get lonely!"

"Anduril won't get lonely, it's got Gimli's axe to keep it company."

"But what if Gimli's axe is nasty to him? He's only a baby!"

"Have you got something against my axe?"

"Noooooooo…I'm just…just…" Aragorn cast around desperately for a good phrase.

Frodo rescued him, "A little uncomfortable about leaving Anduril in the change rooms when he's sort of shy."

Legolas gritted his teeth and concentrated very hard on not losing it completely, grabbing the closest thing he could see and putting them both out of their misery. Aragorn really needed to meet some new people, this fixation with his sword had been going on ever since they started the quest. And even before that. He was always going on about "the blade that was broken" when he was going around doing whatever it is rangers do. That is, probably being pervy-hobbit-fanciers with the excuse of "protecting the Shire". Yeah right. Exactly what from, Legolas didn't even want to consider, since it was obviously no coincidence that the Shire was conveniently located within a week's walking distance of Bree, Staddle, Archet and other towns with large populations of men.

Gimli put his axe down on the bench very slowly. Aragorn's version was more like a funeral, with the ranger sobbing and wailing and promising that it wasn't Andy's fault, that he'd be back soon, that he still loved Andy and that once he got back they'd never be parted ever again. Or so he thought. Legolas had other ideas.

"You owe me big time, elf." Gimli grunted after Aragorn's leaving ceremony had been completed. "And remember, dwarves are like elephants."

"What, they stink?"

"Yes. No!" Gimli was getting confused.

"Or they have really big noses." Frodo and Sam had seen the fun and decided to join in.

"No!"

"Or you put them in enclosures at the zoo and they give themselves dust baths."

"NO! Memories! Elephants never forget, Dwarves don't forget…y'get it, neither of us forget!" 

Gimli stomped out of the change rooms. Legolas, Sam and Frodo exchanged amused looks and followed Gimli outside.

"You know, not everybody likes elephants."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A first swimming lesson is scary for anyone. However, when you've been brought up to think of swimming as being for elves and men and the mentally insane, as well as being dared into it at a very reckless moment by someone you thought had good wishes for your health until that point, defining this first lesson as 'scary' is the understatement of the century. Who your teacher is can also affect the way you view swimming, as our rather nervous hobbits and dwarf are about to find out.

Frodo regarded his swimming teacher, her back turned to them at present, with suspicion. She seemed very, very familiar, but he couldn't place her at that very moment. Maybe he'd just met her once over the course of history. It was a small world, after all. Judging from the puzzled looks on the others' faces, they appeared to almost recognise her too. That was strange. I mean, a Fellowship of nine can only meet the same person a limited number of times.

Then she finished doing whatever she was doing and turned around. Gold hair. Blue eyes. Pointy ears. As one they gaped in shock. Oh yes. She was definitely familiar.

Legolas recovered first. "Galadriel. How…nice to see you."

"Legolas! Frodo! Sam! Aragorn! Gimli! It's been ages since I saw you last! How are you? What have you been doing lately? Are you still living together?" Behind her apparently beaming face Legolas could practically smell the sympathy waves Galadriel was emitting, mainly towards him and Frodo. Actually all towards him and Frodo, since they were still relatively mature, she'd quickly lost interest in having Gimli as a pet after they left Lothlorien, and things had gone rather pear-shaped with Aragorn after he and Arwen had got a divorce. And, well, no offence to Sam but she'd never really noticed him in the first place. Legolas almost pitied her for having to give Frodo, Sam and Gimli a swimming lesson, until he remembered the last time they'd met a few centuries ago, when he'd something bad about Galadriel's hair, or maybe she'd said something bad about his hair. Whoever said it, it had resulted in the Thirteenth Great Elven Bitchfight. Also known as the Wars of the Roses. To get back to the point, said memories stopped him from pitying the Queen-of-Lothlorien-turned-socialite-elf.

He was jerked back to the present by the wordless gibbering coming from all three students as Galadriel got in the shallow end of the pool, before they were shoved rather roughly to the edge of the pool and grimly sat on the edge. Aragorn saw Frodo and Gimli giving each other sidelong looks. The dare was definitely on and they were both determined to go through with it. Oh dear. Things were likely to get very interesting.

"Now guys," Galadriel cooed in the most fake voice Aragorn had ever heard, "just relax. Swimming's not going to hurt you. The first activity we're going to learn today is called the Deadman's Float."

Sam looked like he'd seen a ghost. "Dead! Mr Frodo, she said dead man! She wants to kill you!"

"Elf witch!" shrieked Gimli, grabbing for his axe until he remembered that Legolas had made him leave it in the change rooms. Oh shit, he thought, I'm in trouble now.

"Elf bitch more like it!" Frodo was about to say more when Aragorn grabbed a handy towel and used it to muffle his curses.

"Sorry about that Galadriel, they're a bit…er…jumpy."

"Oh don't mention it, although I must say that I've never seen anyone react to a swimming lesson quite that way before. I'm sure they didn't mean it…" Neither Legolas nor Aragorn were fooled for one second by Galadriel's small talk. They'd had experience with her before, and behind the cheesy smile they could sense the presence of the unholy demon that exists in every female elf and quite a lot of male ones too. An unfortunate somebody was going to die a slow, lingering and horribly painful death soon. Quite a lot of unfortunate somebodies. Two hobbits, a dwarf, a man and an elf to be exact…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In the toddlers' paddling pool, Aragorn, Frodo, Sam and Gimli walked around cautiously to try and get used to the water, while Galadriel and Legolas sat on the edge and had a long, relaxing bitching session about everything that had pissed them off for the last few centuries. In Quenya of course, so the others couldn't understand a word they were saying.

"I try to keep the peace and make sure they're looked after relatively well, but it's just so hard with seven of them. Frodo's only reliable for help when he's not having Sauron hallucinations, and those always seem to happen when I need his help the most. I don't know why I bother, I honestly don't. I mean, what have they ever done for me?"

"Legolas, you're doing a very charitable thing by looking after them. I'm sure they appreciate it, they just don't know how to show it."

"They could try a bit harder."

Galadriel went on as if she hadn't heard him. "It does seem like hell on earth, but because of all this suffering that it's causing you, you'll have less reincarnations to go through and you'll reach nirvana and become enlightened sooner."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"Oh sorry, I forgot that you're not a Buddhist or a Hindu."

Their talk was interrupted by Frodo coming up to them with a carefully calculated mix of cuteness and pleading on his face. "Legolas, can we go on the slide?" He pointed at the desired object, a contraption about 1m high.

"Why are you asking me? You don't have to ask me for permission. Of course you can go on the slide."

"Yeah, it's just…" Frodo looked awkward, although still cute. "We're not sure about how safe it is and…"

"You want me to go down it first to make sure it's safe?"

Frodo nodded and smiled with relief. Legolas almost sighed. Why did it have to be him? "Why can't you get Aragorn to test it for you?"

"Well, it's made for kids really and we're sorta scared he'll break it and we thought that since you're, er, lighter, you should test it."

Legolas didn't fancy Gimli's chances on the slide if it was made for kids. Or Sam's too, come to that. The way things were going, Frodo might have the whole slide to himself. He made a sound of defeat and agreement and got up. Frodo beamed.

After five goes on the slide, Legolas was quite impressed at how strong it was. Although it was unlikely that the people who made this particular slide had ever looked into the future and seen them using it, he couldn't help but marvel at the coincidence.

Legolas got off and gave the others the thumbs up. "It's fine." He was about to walk away and go back to the bitching session with Galadriel, when there was a large splash that succeeded in saturating the elf up to his waste. He turned around and was confronted with the sight of the hobbits, Gimli and Aragorn sitting together at the bottom of the slide. 

"What exactly are you doing?"

"We're playing slide tiggy!" Frodo announced happily.

Legolas raised his eyebrows. "And what exactly is this so-called 'slide tiggy' that you speak of?"

"Well, everybody sits in a line on the slide, and we all slide down together and make a big splash when we get to the bottom. It's so much fun!" Frodo appeared to have totally bypassed the sarcasm that the elf had directed at him.

"Not for the people who are on the receiving end of the splash. Do you absolutely have to play this game?"

"Yes," Frodo announced determinedly, "and you have to play too."

"I have to?"

"Otherwise precious'll make you." It wasn't the actual threat that scared Legolas. It was the fact that Frodo had mentioned the One Ring. Which meant that maybe his rant earlier hadn't been entirely made up. Which meant that he was having bad flashbacks. Which meant that he could easily go into a Dark Lord-induced spasm attack. Which they definitely didn't need right now.

"Oh, all right." They arranged themselves in this order going down the slide: Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Sam, Frodo. After a bit of pushing, they slid down what was supposed to be a very short way, if Legolas' calculations were correct. Any second now and they would splash into the water…

BOOM.

FLASH.

They blinked and found themselves in a place that was definitely not the toddlers' pool. They were on a diving board. The highest diving board Legolas had imagined, and higher, because he couldn't see the pool below even with elven eyesight. He felt a wave of nausea coming.

Frodo, Sam, Gimli and Aragorn looked down and stared. And stared a bit more. And a bit more than that.

"OH MY GOD WHERE ARE WE?"

"HELP! SOMEBODY SAVE US! WE'RE TRAPPED!"

"GET US OUT OF HERE!"

They looked around frantically. There was absolutely no sign of the swimming pool centre. No sign of a ladder or steps to get down. They were most definitely screwed.

Then they felt themselves being pushed. Hands grabbed at air uselessly. They were falling.

Legolas wasn't sure who started screaming first. All he knew was that within a few seconds of the first scream, everybody else was screaming. He was screaming. Hell, he didn't care. He was scared, dammit, really scared!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They all screamed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Galadriel cackled evilly. The plan was working perfectly. Those suckers wouldn't know what had hit them. She started whistling cheerfully. Using her ring to create a worm hole had been a piece of cake. The people who wrote the history of the Rings of Power were totally wrong. Whoever said the three Elvish rings didn't work any more?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Oh that's an evil cliffhanger. I'm horrible, I know, but it's part of my job as an older sister. Anyway, there's another chapter on the way, but this one's extra long so I hope all of you who asked for longer chapters are happy. There'll be more appearances by various other characters in the next chapter. But for me to post the next chapter, you have to be nice and review! I'll probably post the next chapter anyway, but it would be nicer if you reviewed.

That's all folks! Thankyou and goodnight!

enelya


	5. Of Including Other LOTR Characters and K...

Did you like my very long last chapter? Well this one's long too. Hope you're happy with it, it's got Faramir, Galadriel, Arwen, Eowyn, Haldir and Glorfindel in it. And it's got karaoke in it, so you know what you're in for (if you don't, close this fanfic and get out while it's safe). Read on!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They looked around frantically. There was absolutely no sign of the swimming pool centre. No sign of a ladder or steps to get down. They were most definitely screwed.

Then they felt themselves being pushed. Hands grabbed at air uselessly. They were falling.

Legolas wasn't sure who started screaming first. All he knew was that within a few seconds of the first scream, everybody else was screaming. He was screaming. Hell, he didn't care. He was scared, dammit, really scared!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They all screamed.

They were falling. A lot. Down a hole that was so big it probably could have fitted the entire swimming pool comfortably inside, and still have room for the car park. They were all screaming their heads off, with good reason. What had appeared to be an innocent toddlers' slide was actually a very long drop that would probably end with them slamming into something very hard. And hopefully being killed on impact.

(AN: Two Towers spoiler next! Don't read if you haven't seen!)

Then the hole widened out to become a huge chamber of rock, which appeared to look exactly like the place Gandalf and the Balrog had fallen into in TTT. Directly below them was a huge lake. And they were going to smash into it. Soon. Very soon.

Falling, falling, falling. The lake's surface glittered in the light that…wait, that doesn't make sense, if it's underground then there can't be any light. Forget I said that.

Falling, falling, falling. They could see the lake faintly. At least death would be quick and hopefully painless, Legolas thought. They'd hit the surface at a pretty fast speed. And he had read somewhere that hitting the surface of the sea from more than 100m above was like hitting a brick wall.

The final moment. "AAAAAUUUUUUURRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!" they screamed once again just for the hell of it. The surface of the water rose up to meet them. As one they closed their eyes…

…and landed in ankle-deep water at the bottom of the slide, safely back in the toddler's pool. 

They blinked stupidly for a few minutes. Then the yelling started.

"OKAY, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

"THAT WAS THE SCARIEST THING I'VE EVER BEEN ON!"

"GET ME OUT OF THIS POOL!"

"OH SWEET MERCIFUL GOD, WE THANK YOU FOR SPARING OUR LIVES IN THAT UNHOLY DREAM WE'VE ALL JUST HAD!"

Then a voice started speaking. "_The staff of this pool would like to thank you for volunteering to participate in the successful trial run of our new virtual reality Slide of Doom. Please leave via the exit located on your left. Thankyou._" That voice was very familiar. As was the person it belonged to, who was standing in front of them. Who looked amazingly like a lifeguard.

Aragorn picked his jaw up off the ground. "_Faramir? _What the hell are you doing here?"

"Being a lifeguard, what does it look like? Now all of you please get off the slide."

"Nice to see you too." As one, the Slightly-Decreased Fellowship scrambled to their feet and backed away from the slide, which reflected the light at them innocently. Needless to say, they were never going to look at a toddlers' pool or the toys it contained in the same way again.

"Is this Meet Up With Old Acquaintances Day or something? And if so, why didn't anyone tell us?"

"What makes you think that?"

"We've already met Galadriel today. And hang on a minute, we didn't volunteer for anything!"

"Galadriel said you did."

Ah. That explained it. An Elvish she-demon's sweet revenge. Legolas hoped desperately that she'd finished getting back at them, but he could never be completely sure with Galadriel. Or any female elves for that matter.

"So how did you end up here?" Legolas asked Faramir, trying to make polite conversation.

"That's an interesting story, actually…"

"Do tell."

"Well one night a few years back me, Galadriel, Haldir and Glorfindel got drunk and… decided to play Truth or Dare."

"And?"

"Well it went on for a bit and then someone, Haldir I think it was, dared Glorfindel to get a job as a swimming teacher."

"Oh dear."

"So then Glorfindel double-dared Haldir to do it too, and he double-dared Galadriel, and she double-dared me. So we're all here."

"We haven't seen Haldir or Glorfindel yet though."

"That's probably a good thing. They're down there." Faramir pointed to the deep end of the pool, where the two harassed-looking elves were trying to keep control of a bunch of unruly thirteen-year-olds.

Legolas winced in sympathy.

"Uuuuuhhhh…we should probably get out of the toddlers' pool. Nice to see you." Aragorn and Legolas quickly hustled Sam, Frodo and Gimli out the door to get away from the slide.

"Oh Legolas, just one more thing." Faramir quickly pulled the elf back inside. "I'm giving you an advance warning. You might want to get Aragorn outta here."

"Why?" Legolas suddenly had a very bad feeling of foreboding. Whatever Faramir was going to tell him, it wasn't going to be good.

"I'm just gonna say a few words and let you work it out for yourselves."

"Yes…?"

"Arwen. Eowyn. Aragorn-haters. Here. Now. Lifeguards. Bitch Queens from Hell. Very dangerous."

"Oh shit."

"Exactly."

"We can't go now, Gimli and Frodo have got a dare on to go swimming together."

"Then you're screwed."

"Possible mercy?"

"From Arwen and Eowyn? Dream on."

"So what do we do?"

"My advice is hide. Now. Then get out of the pool as soon as possible. Then go back home, pack your stuff, and move. Preferably to another country. ASAP."

"Oh god thankyou Faramir you're a life saver."

"Yes, that's my job."

Legolas rolled his eyes and went back to the others.

"What was all that about?" asked Aragorn curiously as he approached.

"I can't tell you right now, but you'll thank me for it when you're alive next week. Right now we have to hide."

The others followed him with a growing sense of dread as he led them around the pool and into a storeroom. Legolas poked his head out and saw big trouble in the form of Arwen heading their way. She didn't appear to have seen them yet, which was a good thing. He was about to get them out of the room and back around the other side of the pool when he saw Eowyn there. Walking down the side towards them. They'd been foiled again, and now he was pretty sure they'd both seen them slipping into the storeroom and were coming to investigate. Legolas cursed himself for not trying to get into the change rooms, where they at least had their weapons and there were windows to escape from, instead of being stuck here in this cramped room with no chance of a back door to escape. They were most definitely screwed.

Legolas thought desperately of locking the door and waiting until they went away, but there was probably someone who had a key within walking distance, so that wouldn't work. Also, they might not be able to get out and the thought of being stuck in a small dark room with these particular people didn't really appeal to him. Then there wasn't any more time for thinking because he saw Them approach and quickly pulled the door almost shut.

There was a knock at the door.

Legolas poked his head out and impressively managed not to faint in terror. "Arwen! Eowyn! What a surprise! Good gracious, I haven't seen you for ages…" the others thought he was doing a pretty good job of bluffing considering that he was probably looking at the face of ultimate evil times two.

"Legolas, it's nice to see you too." Arwen and Eowyn beamed fake smiles that made Galadriel's look warm and full of care. "What are you doing hiding in the storeroom?"

"Er…I'm not hiding."

"Then what are you doing?"

Legolas said the first vaguely believable thing that came into his head. "Playing sardines."

"Sardines?"

"Yes, it's quite a fun game. See, you start with one person hiding—"

"We know perfectly well how to play sardines. But the thing is you're not strictly allowed to be in this room, so you'll have to come out."

"Oh, but not everybody's found us yet, we've only got Frodo, Sam and Gimli."

"Who are you waiting for?"

"Merry and Pippin."

"They're going to be a while, they're outside in the car park emptying the drink machines. You really do have to come out."

Legolas tried very, very hard not to show his panic. That was it, when Eowyn and Arwen found Aragorn and finished killing him they'd probably kill him too because he lied to them. And every sensible person knows how dangerous it is to lie to a female.

"Frodo, Sam and Gimli, did you say?" Eowyn asked suspiciously. "You're sure there's nobody else? Nobody at all? Not even Aragorn?"

"No, Aragorn's most definitely not here, he's at home with the flu, there's only me, Sam, Frodo and Gimli." At the mention of his name, the ranger curled up in the corner that was furthest from the door and began gibbering with terror.

"Then you won't mind if we join you?"

"Er…no, you can't come in."

"Why on earth not?"

"Because…you're not playing the game and only people who are playing sardines are allowed to come in."

"Legolas. We've been reasonable, now if you want to live we suggest that you, Frodo, Sam and Gimli come out of there right now, so we can check that there's absolutely nobody else in there."

"I already told you, there's nobody else in here. Especially not Aragorn. Definitely not Aragorn."

It was at that moment that Eowyn lost patience and wrenched the door clean off its hinges. "Get out. Now."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(Since the next scene involves a lot on running, screaming and general craziness, it would help if you imagined it being twice as fast as normal time, and some sort of music playing. 'The Great Escape' will do quite nicely. Thankyou for you cooperation.)

"HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Aragorn as he ran around the pool centre like greased lightning, with Arwen and Eowyn hot on his heels, screaming curses and looking ready to kill him with their bare hands. Which wouldn't have been too hard, considering how long their nails were.

"YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME!"

"YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU LEAD ME ON!" 

And so on, although it was mostly along the lines of those two phrases. Aragorn appeared to have broken the world record for the fastest runner. Fear can do strange things to you. Aragorn didn't care.

"Old girlfriends," Legolas explained to the crowd of people in the pool area who were looking at them quizzically.

Suddenly Faramir ran up to them with a very worried look on his face. "Legolas! I forgot to tell you, there was someone else in the truth or dare game!"

"Who—" Legolas began, but was cut of but a horrified shriek from Frodo. He turned around. And then saw the reason for Frodo's terror.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Frodo and ran off full pelt around the pool vicinity, with Sam hot on his heels crying "Mr. Frodo! Wait for me!" And not far behind them was Gollum, crying "Preeeeeeeeciooooooouuuuuusssssssss!"

"Please don't tell us that _they're_ old girlfriends," someone in the pool said to Legolas, who shook his head in horror.

So there they were, all six people running flat out and all screaming like mad. Legolas stuck his fingers in his ears and saw Haldir and Glorfindel doing the same thing. He didn't think it could get any worse. Poor Legolas. He had no idea how wrong he was.

"OKAY THAT'S IT! EVERYBODY STOOOOOOP!!!" screamed Galadriel. Amazingly, everybody stopped.

"Okay," said Galadriel, breathing heavily. "That's it. Arwen, Eowyn and Faramir, you are going to go back to your lifesaving posts. Gollum, you're going back to the sauna and for the love of god put a towel on. You unruly bunch of thirteen-year-olds, you're going to behave yourselves and be nice to Haldir and Glorfindel. The rest of you are going to get in the pool and play nicely. There will be no fighting. There will be no screaming. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Everybody said "Yes Galadriel" very quickly and did exactly as she said. Aragorn sighed with relief, until he saw Arwen and Eowyn giving him death stares. It definitely wasn't over. They were going to get him, Galadriel or no Galadriel. He gulped and hastily joined the others at the side of the pool.

"Come on guys, get in," he could hear Legolas saying.

"It's too deep! We'll drown!"

"It's only up to my waist. You're not going to drown. Trust me."

"Al-alright." Frodo looked very scared but sat down on the side so his legs were in the water. Sam sat next to him. Gimli was about to sit down when a blast of sound made him topple over and sent Aragorn, Frodo and Sam flying into the middle of the pool on top of Legolas. Some familiar music began to play.

"In the navy, you get to sail the seven seas, in the navy…"

Gimli's eyes lit up. "That's it! I want to be a navy dancer!" He ran up to the group of people in sailor costumes and tried to copy the dance moves. They ran away screaming.

"Damn."

He was about to go back to the pool when some different but still familiar music started playing.

"It's time to stay at the YMCA, it's time to stay at the YMCA…"

Gimli's eyes lit up. "That's it! I want to be a YMCA dancer!" He ran up to the group of people in YMCA clothes (sorry have no idea what they wear) and tried to copy the dance moves. They ran away screaming.

"Damn."

Everyone braced themselves for the next music. Several minutes passed. There were sighs of relief. Then the faintest sound of music. Then it got louder, and in rushed a group of people in sixties clothes, led by a man with brown hair, glasses and the most horrible teeth imaginable.

"OH GOD NO!" screamed Legolas in horror, "Not Austin Powers!"

"Oh yes it's me, baby!" yelled Austin. He, the dancers and Gimli started dancing to the Austin Powers music (Gimli had acquired a suitable suit from somewhere and was wearing it over his board shorts). Legolas found himself in the middle of the pool, doing the same dance as Austin and everybody else was dancing too. Including Aragorn, Eowyn and Arwen together, who appeared to have settled their differences for as long as the song lasted. What worried Legolas more was that he was surrounded by what appeared to be the entire female population of the pool, all wearing swimsuits that wouldn't have looked out of place on 'Baywatch' (AN: did I mention that Arwen and Eowyn were wearing them too? Well they were.) And whether the person who's wearing it is a seven-year-old or a seventy-year-old, the effect is still mind-bogglingly ghastly. And he was surrounded by them. Poor baby.

And just when you thought it was safe to read on…it got worse. Yes, I know I've said it got worse quite a lot but this will be the last time! I think.

The song ended and Legolas slipped away from his fan club, who appeared to have lost interest. He found Frodo and Sam at the shallow end of the pool and decided to keep an eye on them since hobbits will do strange things when they're scared.

Gimli called for silence. "And now to the best bit of the show, karaoke!" Legolas forgot about Frodo and Sam and began to look for suicide weapons.

(AN: here come the Disney songs! Run while you still have time!)

Then Gimli began singing: 

"The seaweed is always greener

In somebody else's lake

You dream about going up there

But that is a big mistake.

Just look at the world around you,

Right here on the ocean floor,

Such wonderful things surround you,

What more is you lookin' for?

Under the sea, under the sea,

Darlin' it's better down where it's wetter,

Take it from me.

Up on the shore they work all day, 

Out in the sun they slave away.

While we devotin' full time to floatin'

Under the sea…"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And so, they passed away the rest of the afternoon singing and laughing and finding out the joys of friendship. Here ends our story. No! Just kidding! There's more, a lot more, and I still have to tell you what happened to Merry and Pippin and Gandalf!

Will Legolas suicide? Will Frodo and Sam and Gimli ever learn how to swim? And will Aragorn ever escape from Arwen and Eowyn? Find out on the next exciting episode of: How to teach a Dwarf to Swim…And other things.

enelya


	6. Of the Amazing Swimming Hobbits and Dwar...

You've all been waiting for it: the next exciting edition of How to teach a Dwarf to Swim………..And other things! Hope you like it, I've been working very hard on this fanfic and I hope the ending doesn't disappoint you. So click the down arrow and read on!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The song finished. People clapped. Legolas went on with his search for suicide weapons.

Then Frodo cried in a feel-good movie voice: "Jump, Free Aragorn, jump!"

Aragorn made extremely realistic whale noises and jumped. People gasped and cheered and cried. Aragorn sailed over the edge of the pool—

—And smacked into the window, before sliding down it with appropriate squeaking noises.

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, that's gotta hurt."

(AN: the next few paragraphs are going to be from Frodo, Sam and Gimli's POVs. This is where they finally work out that swimming isn't so bad.)

Frodo was having strange, most un-hobbit-like thoughts. The water was kinda nice. Nice and cool. It was just like a big bath, really, and he'd never been scared of the bath. He lay on his back and started floating. That felt good, it was amazing that floating could do in a few minutes what physiotherapy hadn't succeeded with for years. He was struck by a sudden thought. Why on earth hadn't he started swimming sooner?

Sam was vaguely suspicious about the pool water. He scooped a bit up and tasted in experimentally. Ick, no water should taste like that. Then he remembered Legolas talking about swimming pool water, that the people put something called chlorine in it to keep it clean or some other ridiculous notion. Well, he definitely wasn't going to be tricked by this water. As soon as he got Frodo, they were getting out of there. He looked around for Frodo. Frodo was not there.

"Oh dear lord, they've taken Mr. Frodo!" Sam knew with absolute certainty that some water monster had snatched Frodo away. He just knew it!

"Sam?" Frodo had emerged, dripping wet but looking like he was having the time of his life.

"Mr. Frodo, thank heavens you're alive! I thought a monster had grabbed you!"

"Of course not, I just went underwater for a minute or two. Come down, it's a lot of fun. Take a deep breath and follow me." Sam hesitated for a moment, but then Mr. Frodo's judgement had always been right. He took a deep breath and went under. He opened his eyes. Everything seemed strangely blue. Frodo grinned at him and waved. Sam grinned and waved back. This was fun.

Gimli spat a mouthful of water out, only to swallow several more. He was in the middle of the pool and couldn't see Aragorn or Legolas anywhere. Plus he couldn't touch the bottom of the pool. And he couldn't swim. It was a wonder that he was managing to stay afloat at all.

He went down again. His fingers clawed the water but found nothing to grip onto. He sank lower and lower. Gimli opened his eyes. The walls of the pool glowed a strange unearthly blue. He looked down and saw the floor slope down from his present position to level out about 4m deeper, down the end where the diving boards were. It was almost like…a mine! The swimming pool was almost a mine! Gimli almost exploded with excitement and kicked his way back to the surface. He took a breath and let out a cry of joy. If all swimming pools were built like this, he liked swimming!

Aragorn and Legolas had collapsed into two chairs at the side of the pool. They were both worn out. Neither of them cared about making the hobbits and Gimli go swimming anymore. All they wanted to do was go home.

Unfortunately for them, that wasn't going to happen for another few hours.

"Aragorn! Legolas! Come in, it's so much fun!" Frodo, Gimli and Sam waved and beamed at them ecstatically. "We've decided we like swimming! Come and join us!"

"Go away."

"Fine, but you don't know what you're missing!"

"Hey Frodo look, I can do a somersault!"

"Cool! But do you want me to show you how to do a backwards somersault?"

"Yeah, that'd be so cool!"

"Geronimo!" yelled Gimli, and did a bomb off the side of the pool. Then a furious splash-fight began.

Aragorn opened one bleary eye and turned to Legolas. "Have you ever heard of a plan that worked too well?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Several hours later:

"Come on, we have to go, the pool's closing in ten minutes and Aragorn's suffering from sword withdrawal symptoms." After a few hours' sleep Legolas felt slightly more refreshed and better disposed towards the hobbits and Gimli, who were still in the pool doing handstands, jumps, backflips, somersaults and other such activities.

"Oh, can't we just stay in for another five minutes?"

"No, we have to go now."

"Spoilsport." They climbed out of the pool and followed Legolas back to the change rooms.

"Can we go swimming tomorrow?"

"Er…maybe."

They got their stuff from the change rooms (which took a while because of Aragorn's joyful reunion with Anduril), got out of the pool centre and back into the car park. Or what had once been the car park. It looked like a bomb had hit it. Rubbish lay scattered everywhere along with several drink and confectionery-disposing machines. The place was completely deserted. Except for Aragorn's Landcruiser.

Then they heard voices. Two people were slumped on the Landcruiser. As they got closer, the Slightly-Decreased Fellowship could hear part of what they were saying. Slurring is actually a better word.

"Merry? Pippin?" Legolas stared at them in disgust.

"They appear to haven consumed a little too much sugar." Frodo gestured around at the countless wrappers and soft drink cans. "They did have all afternoon to do this."

Aragorn went into 'police dealing with drunks' mode. "Alright, who are you and what are you doing?"

"Ah'm Mr. Whippy and this, this is ma buddy Fred Flintstone!"

"Ah thought ah was Mr. Whippy!"

"No, you're Fred cos see, there's Wilma and little Pebbles!" Merry pointed rather vaguely towards Frodo and Sam.

"Pebbles? Are we talking about rocks?"

"SHUT UP GIMLI!" (AN: I could tell you what Legolas was thinking, but that would involve words not to be uttered to anyone under thirteen.)

"Hey Wilma, come here and give your Fred a big kiss!" Pippin (aka Fred) swaying slightly and grinned.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww." Frodo edged around to the other side of the car.

"Sod it, let's go home." Legolas did not want to have anything more to do with swimming for, say, the next century.

The car ride home was slightly noisier than the trip to the pool, since Frodo, Gimli and Sam were talking nonstop about swimming and Merry and Pippin were still in the 'talking' stage of being drunk and so were putting in comments every now and then. Legolas and Aragorn sat in the two front seats looking like zombies. Aragorn's driving was likely to land them a spot on 'Police, Camera, Action!' but neither of them cared in the slightest.

Things quieted down a little until a truck drove past them. The sort that sells ice-cream. Yep, you guessed it. Mr. Whippy.

Seeing this made Merry and Pippin almost explode with excitement (although Legolas' prayers weren't answered and they didn't actually explode) and they began an endless rendition of the Greensleeves music. That went on. And on. And on.

*Enelya: you mean the ice-cream truck song?*

*Son-of-Durotan: IT'S GREENSLEEVES, DAMMIT!*

(Sorry, it's a running joke in our family. Not that we're related. We only live in the same house and look rather similar so that makes people believe that we're siblings. But we're not. Oh god this is absolutely blatant lying isn't it?)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Slightly-Decreased Fellowship pushed the door open, went inside, and flopped wearily on the couch (with the exceptions of Merry and Pippin, who had been carried in and unceremoniously dumped on the kitchen table, in between several thousand boxes).

"Oh you're back!" Gandalf was in an extremely cheerful (and therefore considerably dangerous) mood. 

"How was the swimming?"

"Terrific."

"Loved it."

"Fabulous."

"Sod off."

"Don't ask."

Gandalf looked at them in a puzzled way, then decided there was a more pressing matter. "The dippy birds have arrived! Plenty for all!"

Legolas and Aragorn didn't need to speak. Their faces said it all.

"Dippy birds?" Frodo asked. He would have been dreading the answer if he hadn't been so hyper from the swimming.

Gandalf grabbed a box from the table, opened it and set the dippy bird up on the table. "Cool!" Frodo was enchanted. Gimli and Sam scooted forward for a closer look. "It goes up, and then down for a drink, and another one, and another one, and another one…"

Aragorn suddenly noticed a strange smell in the room (its takes a long time to lose ranger skills, and his were still in relative working order). He sniffed the air suspiciously. Definitely familiar, and what was more worrying was that he recognised the smell mostly from bars and other such places were alcohol is served.

"Gandalf, can I have a look at that for a second?" Gandalf handed over the dippy bird. Aragorn sniffed it. He could smell alcohol, but he wasn't quite sure what sort. Then he found the source of the smell, the liquid that made the dippy bird actually dip. Then he knew what it was.

"Gandalf, your dippy birds have a major problem."

"What is it?" asked Gandalf anxiously.

"They appear to be filled with vodka."

"VODKA?" Legolas sat bolt upright, all weariness forgotten. Gandalf saw a look of realization dawn on the elf's face. "Aragorn! We left Merry and Pippin in the kitchen!"

"My dippy birds!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The two hobbits in question were sitting on the kitchen table, mimicking dippy birds and laughing insanely. Several broken birds lay on the floor. Gandalf took one look at the scene and began crying, before he was hastily escorted back into the lounge room and made to sit quietly on the couch.

"Oh god, what have you two done?"

Pippin in his drunken state chose to ignore Legolas' comment. His eyes strayed to Frodo and Sam, who had come in and were now surveying the state of their kitchen in disbelief.

"Wilma, could you get me another one of those honey fudge dinosaurs pleeeeeeease?" Pippin slurred. 

Frodo found himself saying in a 1960's American housewife's voice "Of course honey, I'll just go get another one from the den— Hey! Don't do that!"

At that point, resulting from a combination of vodka, chocolate, soft drinks and god knows what else, Merry went on an extreme hyper, bouncing all over the walls and jumping up and down on the kitchen table and smacking into the ceiling several times. The ceiling creaked. A crack appeared in the plaster. Then it dumped its deposit of more than two thousand boxes of plastic One Rings onto the two stoned hobbits. Which put a stop to Merry's hyper very quickly.

Legolas opened the door cautiously, having shoved everyone into the lounge room and slammed it shut when he heard the first creak. The kitchen had been turned into an absolute disaster area. Thanks to Merry, there was a large gaping hole in the ceiling that gave a nice view of the loft and the not-so-nice things it contained. Large chunks of plaster lay on the floor, as well as a fine, thick layer of dust. Most of the boxes had fallen onto the table, effectively hiding Merry and Pippin until only their feet showed.

"Omigod, do you think they're all right?" Despite hating Merry and Pippin quite a lot of the time, Frodo still felt some compassion towards them. They were hobbits, of course, and they were related to him.

"Either they've been knocked out or they're so hyped up they haven't even noticed." Legolas wasn't so worried.

"Well shouldn't we dig them out? And this'll take ages to clean up." Legolas wondered why Aragorn was so concerned about Merry and Pippin until he remembered that the fridge (which contained Aragorn's beer) was behind the table, and therefore behind the mess.

Meanwhile, on a sudden impulse, Frodo grabbed a box, took the plastic ring out, popped it into his mouth, and chewed thoughtfully. "Hey you're right Gandalf, these do make good gum."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The story's not quite finished, I think I'll do one more chapter. But just because this is the second last chapter doesn't mean you should stop reviewing! So review! Now! Please!

See, just to show how much I want you to review here's a song (based on Eminem's 'Without Me').

Now this looks like a fanfic that's funny,

So everybody, just review for me,

Cos I need reviews to keep me happy,

Cos it feels so empty without me!

Na na na na na, na na na na na, na na na na na, na na na na…

Get the message? Review! Now!

Thankyou for you cooperation! enelya


	7. Of Drunkedness and a Highlyunexpected En...

Sorry I haven't updated for a couple of days, it's just that these people who call themselves teachers keep following me around giving me homework. You'd think I was at school or something… Anyway, I think this'll be the last chapter of this particular fanfic, but don't worry. I have more ideas. Very evil ideas.

AN: This is the epilogue chapter in which I sort everything out (almost) and you finally get to read about the Fellowship being drunk! There's other stuff too of course. But to find out, read on and get ready for the gripping finale of How to teach a Dwarf to Swim…And other things. Oh and there's a bit of suggested slash in this chapter. Sorry, it wouldn't have been funny otherwise.

Cheers! enelya

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Breaking up is never easy I know but I haaaaaaaaaaaave tooooooooo goooooooooo…" 

Aragorn was singing ABBA, with Gandalf on harmonies and both of them doing very…interesting dance moves. Frodo and Sam were sitting in a small ocean of dippy birds, laughing hysterically with phrases in between along the lines of "Bird gosup, bird gosdown, bird gosup…" etc. Legolas was sprawled on the couch with a bucket of dippy bird vodka, dipping the TV remote control into the vodka and then licking it to catch the drops. Which was a very stupid thing to do, even considering how drunk he was. But then again, Legolas was an elf. Gimli was sitting in front of the TV, sobbing and laughing appropriately at the soapie he was watching. 'Days of Our Lives', to be more specific.

And Merry and Pippin. What can I say about Merry and Pippin? (Except the obvious, quite a lot of which is meaningless fangirl jabber.) They could still be under the pile of steadily-decreasing plastic One Rings for all the rest of the Fellowship cared (steadily-decreasing because Frodo had a strong craving for gum). They were in fact still under the pile of plastic rings, although quite a lot of boxes had been shoved off them when Aragorn pushed through the mess to get at his beer.

Several hours passed, in which the singing got steadily worse, the talking less intelligible, and the dippy bird supplies lower. By then they were all sitting on the floor (with the exception of Frodo— you'll understand once you read the next bit), swaying quite a lot and singing, although 'strangling cats' would have been a better description.

"Stand by yooooooouur maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan…"

"Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii want caaaaaaaaaaaanndy…"

"Ain't no mountain hiiiiiiiiiigh enooooough…"

"Cos I'm strooooooonger than yesterdaaaaaaay…"

And so on.

Frodo suddenly appeared out of the hobbits' bedroom, trailing a quilt behind him. "Hey Aragorn, come'n taste t'quilt, s'nice!" He giggled insanely.

Aragorn licked it. "Mmmmmm, quilt!" He and Frodo looked at each other and started laughing very, very hard. Swaying slightly, they both disappeared back into the bedroom, trailing the quilt behind them.

Gandalf watched them go, and in a moment of near-soberness remembered that he'd soaked that particular quilt in aphrodisiacs a while back. He almost thought he should tell them, but then went back to being his perverted and evil self, and thought that it would be very interesting to see how things turned out for them.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Morning After the Night Before:

Legolas woke up very slowly, and wished he hadn't. The TV was blaring and the sound was giving him a splitting headache. He groped around for the remote, found it, and pressed the off button. The noise thankfully stopped.

It was understandable that he felt like shit. Elves and alcohol have never mixed well, and the amount of vodka he'd consumed had turned him into something very un-Elvish. He hoped desperately that Galadriel, Haldir, Glorfindel, any other elves or anyone else for that matter didn't choose today to renew old ties and come to visit. What he needed was some nice herbal tea. He lurched to his feet, stepped shakily over Sam, Gandalf and Gimli who were fast asleep on the floor, pushed open the door to the kitchen and was confronted with the sight of what had once been the kitchen table. The damage had been bad enough last night, but it was somehow made quite a lot worse in the relative morning light. It didn't make it any better for Legolas when he heard groans and saw movement under the boxes that told the elf that Merry and Pippin were still alive.

A burst of swearing echoed through the house.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After a few days the Fellowship recovered enough to consider themselves fully functional, well, to be more specific the most functional they got while they were all still part of the Fellowship. Physically at least. Being mentally functional was another matter altogether.

Gimli, Sam and Frodo now viewed swimming as the best invention since food and air, and as a result they talked about swimming non-stop. Many of these discussions took place around the dinner table, where after the first three nights Aragorn, Legolas, Merry and Pippin were careful not to mention the words 'water', 'swimming', 'pool' and possibly 'lifeguard' (Gandalf ate in the lounge room so he could watch the TV, and soon they felt like joining him even though it meant having to put up with endless repeats of various cop shows). Needless to say this arrangement had interesting results whenever they had curry in the next few weeks. Which, since Frodo had spent a lot of time in India over the course of history, was quite often. This went on for a few weeks until the rest of the household thought if they ever heard the word 'swimming' again they were going to go crazy.

Legolas was in deep psychological torment. In trying to get away from water in all shapes, words and forms he hadn't had a bath or shower for three days, as well as not washing his hair for a week. Such an act was absolute torture for the Elvish part of his brain, which argued that not having a shower at least once a day was absolute suicide, while the other part refused to discuss water or anything to do with the stuff. He wished profusely that swimming had never been invented.

He finally reached a happy medium, which was to have a bath blindfolded with cotton wool stuck in his ears. What was terribly unfortunate was that Aragorn had arrived at the same conclusion and by pure coincidence they both chose the same day and time to have a bath. (AN: don't ask me how they managed to turn the taps on and off, move around the bathroom and get undressed without bumping into each other. I have no idea myself.)

Two inhuman shrieks of surprise and horror echoed through the house.

"What the hell was that?" Gimli and the hobbits stopped what they were doing and went to investigate. Halfway down the hall they were confronted with the sight of Aragorn and Legolas, stark naked except for a towel and a bathmat (upon realizing what had happened, they had both grabbed the closest thing they could reach for modesty), who they ran in opposite directions down and up the hall, until they collided in the kitchen and both landed on the kitchen floor.

"Awww, that's so sweet, we had no idea you two were a couple." Notice Merry's complete and utter thick-headedness at this point. Oooooooooh, if looks could kill…

"Shut up. We are going to forget this incident and never speak of it again."

"Yeah, and if you tell anyone we will kill you in the most painful way possible. That is, we will make you watch 'Flipper' and 'The Faculty' several times."

The hobbits gulped. "YesLegolasandAragorn. Never speak of it again."

"Exactly." Legolas turned to Aragorn. "Now that we've got that settled, do you want to have a bath first or shall I?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Several weeks passed. It was now three months after that fateful day at the pool and The Incident concerning the bath, as the hobbits referred to it, and even then only in fearful whispers. They were taking the threat of being made to watch 'Flipper' seriously.

And so, as was relatively normal with the Fellowship, they stumbled upon another dilemma. Fate aimed for the Fellowship to have at least one dilemma per month, but this time she'd cooked up an absolute whopper. This dilemma was mainly directed at Frodo, since once he found out he was most definitely screwed. In every sense of the word.

"Aragorn, I think I'm…um…" Frodo searched desperately for another word to describe 'pregnant' without it being blatantly obvious, and settled for the politically correct one, "Fat!"

"Oh don't worry Frodo, if you're fat then you just go on a diet. Now you wait here and I'll just pop down to the chemist's to get a fat tester so we can work out what sort of diet you need." Aragorn might not have been the brightest monarch Gondor and Arnor had ever had, but you'd think that he would have some sense of foreboding. Apparently not. That's rangers for you.

So Aragorn went to the chemist's and stood in front of the shelf that held testers, but since he'd needed glasses before they'd even been invented and being a ranger he'd never been able to read that well anyway, so he grabbed a box that said 'tester' without even looking at the actual instructions. He also failed to notice the strange look the salesperson gave him when he went to pay for it. (AN: Aragorn is most definitely not with it today.)

Frodo couldn't bear to watch the actual tester, so he sat with his back towards it while Legolas, Sam and Aragorn watched the results.

"What colour does it go if it's…er…positive?"

"Blue, I think."

"I thought it was red."

"Sam, I'm positive it's blue."

"You only think that because the whole box is blue!"

"Well it'd be pretty stupid if the box was blue but it was actually red if it's positive."

"Aragorn, give me the box." The box was duly handed over to Legolas, who like most modern people can actually read. Then he saw the label of the box, beginning with 'pregnancy', as clear as day. He quickly turned the box over before Aragorn noticed. He didn't even want to consider the consequences if the test was positive.

"Ah, it says right here that it's red if it's positive and blue if it's negative." Sam mouthed 'I told you so' at Aragorn, who stuck his tongue out as an answer.

Several minutes passed.

"I think it's ready now." Everyone with the exception of Frodo and Gandalf gathered around the little tester.

"Well? What is it?" Frodo asked impatiently. Nobody responded. Aragorn looked confused. Legolas and Sam appeared to be frozen with either disbelief or horror or both.

"Well?" Frodo was becoming increasingly agitated.

Pippin finally spoke. "Um…it's good news Frodo, very, very good news."

"Oh thank god I'm not…fat."

"No." Pippin suddenly grinned. "I'm going to be a second cousin."

*Hear the sound of an apparently pregnant hobbit faint and fall on the floor*.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ha ha! That's all! I got the last bit off an episode of Red Dwarf where Lister, Rimmer and the Cat go into a parallel universe and meet their female counterparts and Lister gets pregnant. It's a very funny episode. And for those of you who are confused about Pippin's comment, Pippin and Frodo are cousins.

However, just because this is the end of How to teach a Dwarf to Swim…And other things doesn't mean that we'll be saying goodbye to this particular fanfiction forever. Son-of-Durotan is busy writing the next story, called How to teach an Elf to Rock Climb. At least, he will be once I've got off the computer.

And now, one last reviewing song! (Based on I'm With You by Avril Lavigne.)

It's a damn cold night,

Trying to figure out this life,

Won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new,

I don't know who you are, but I'll, I'll revieeeeew,

I'll revieeeeeeeew, yeeeeaaaahh!

So review! A big thankyou to everybody who reviewed my story! Luv you all!

enelya


End file.
